Jade

I stand in awe of GOD!! His grace and mercy has kept me through another year. My children are safe. My life is good. I met an awesome guy. Our meeting was totally unintentional. No motives, no stress just enjoying each others company….so much so that we have seen each other everyday for about six weeks. Before him I had lost all faith in the fact that there are still some good black men. I was depressed always because the men that I would meet always had selfish motives. This guy seems different. That’s why I decided to write this post….In the short time that I have known him he has given me so much….probably much more than he would ever know. I don’t usually go around "clamin" men but I will say that he is my King!!! I hope that nothing comes between us. We have a great friendship…He is a dream come true! It is my belief that he was sent to me to help me to find my way back to THE KING….I am grateful that I met him and glad that GOD blessed me with the presence of a remarkable individual such as him. He is truly a breath of fresh air!!! HAPPY 2007!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is it by chance that I met your acquaintance at the youthful age of 18? Is it by chance that I cannot forget your phone number and have been able to remember it since its origination? Is it just by chance that I was speaking about you to one of my closest friends and fifteen minutes later you walked into the football stadium and sat in front of me when we had just text messaged each other not even 20 minutes before… not discussing individual plans? Is it by chance that I have continued to pray for you and have kept you in my prayer journal for 12 years? Is it by chance that I adopted a child that is the same age as your son….with the same exact birthday….the son that I so vividly remember meeting when he was five? Is it by chance that when I see you, I see all of the potential in you and immediately began to see a clear way to motivate and cultivate those things that you desire? Is it by chance that I remember your grandmother sitting in her wheel chair about 11 years ago telling me that no matter what happens that I should always stay in touch you because one day you (her baby) will make someone a good man? Is it by chance that I have been afraid of you for all of the time that we have known each other and all of a sudden my fear has subsided into nervousness? Is it by chance that it is my desire to be your cheerleader, your friend, and your confidant? Is it by chance that the last time that I was in your presence approximately six weeks ago that through our conversation I realized that you have so much to offer a friend, a lover, and even a foe? Is it by chance that the more that I have the opportunity to learn about you the more I want to learn?  Well….these are the things that I think about when I think of you……too bad you can’t read this Mr. Profit!!!

I’d like to meet:
1. My husband. Every woman dreams of having a companion, a knight in shinning armor. I know he’s out there….I feel it. Nevertheless,I’m still waiting on us to meet.

2. My biological father. Why? To show him what he missed out on. I’m not perfect, but I consider myself a hard working successful woman. He denied me and left my mom before I was born. What’s sad is that his mom cosigned to his foolishness. I’m not angry…I’m not holding a grudge but I would like to meet him.

3.Warrick Dunn. No! I am not a groupie!!!! Why? Because I respect him and look to him as a positive role model…not just to African American Youth but to all youth!!! Reading of his struggles and road to success inspires me to keep moving regardless of the obstacles that I may face.

So many times we get preoccupied with the wrong things. I guess that is dictated by our morals, our goals, and our upbringing. Nevertheless, I can’t help but to wonder why we as a people sometimes choose to ignore the real issues and allow a smokescreen to cover up the very things that we need to deal with. Yeah, I know this may sound a little corky but I am deeply disturbed with the set up of my work situation. Now I must say that it is important that you watch what you ask for because you just may get it.

 

About two years ago I found myself constantly saying, Man, I wish I could work in a situation where parents participated in their children’s education, "What’s wrong with my people"? Why do they not care about their children’s education? Well this year I have it; parent participation and everything that comes along with it. In the environment in which I work the parents run the school. That is good when it is a healthy situation. However, through my observations, the parents in the community that my school services seems to run the school in an unhealthy way. They run the school through the use of force and intimidation….and what’s even worse, is that the students know that their parents run the school and try to use it to their advantage.

 

A classic example is the administration. My immediate administrator has no back bone and would rather the teacher to give the student the grade "A" that for the student to earn it. She is overly concerned about how things look. Hello!!!!! The test will catch them. If the students have to pass the state criterion referenced test in order to be promoted to 9^th grade then why in the hell are we pacifying the parents? Shit. If little Johnny or Becky is dumb as a bag of rocks why not communicate that with the parents so that the parents can get some help for their darling little angels instead of having parents living in “delusions of grandeur” when it come to the actual knowledge that their children posses.

 

I guess what brought on this vent is on last Friday I called a parent to let them know of the progress of their child. First of all the whole situation was dysfunctional because the daddy’s girlfriend answered the phone and the little girl that we will call Deon does not like her at all. How do I know this? Well she verbalizes it every morning during homeroom. I spoke with the girlfriend and expressed to her my concerns and she assured me that she would give the dad the message.

 

Well on Friday I was called to my assistant principals office. I had no idea for what. No one told me why. It was just come. So I went. Deon’s dad was sitting in my AP’s office. I thought it was my daughter’s high school basketball coach. He looked just like him. As I got closer I saw that it wasn’t. I was introduced and it kind of went from there. He expressed his concerns about her having a 61 and I expressed mine about the quality of her work. Now mind you my AP was there in the meeting. I was hot because she could have given me a heads up so that I could have brought some samples of her work. Well the she didn’t and you know what happened next. We played the blame game until finally I took the blame and then asked my AP to send for Deon. Yes, I took the blame for Deon not doing quality work; I took the blame for Deon not hading in her assignments; and get this I haven’t known Deon but about three to four weeks at this time. Well in the mean time my AP opened her trap and started to discuss how things look. It doesn’t look good for this to happen. It doesn’t look good for that to happen and then when the Deon walked in she explained that it didn’t look good for her to have an F. Granite she is right. It doesn’t look good for her to have an F. But what about the knowledge? I finally interjected….. in fact it may have been borderline rude. I expressed to Deon that since we are focusing on how things look, over all it doesn’t look good for you not to have knowledge. That is the goal knowledge. Of course everyone in the meeting looked at me as if I was a fuckin’ idot. But hell….at that point I felt as the other two dumb asses were idiots. If a kid takes ownership of his/her education he will gain knowledge and the "A" will take care of itself. Finally Deon left and her father proceeded down to the classroom with me. I had to break this arrogant mutha fucker down. Thank God I have committed to keeping all graded assignments because when I started to hand those assignments over for the father to view, he began to look like a sick puppy. At the end of the conference the fucker had the nerve to ask me was I married. I must admit that he was fine as shit, but I did deem that statement as inappropriate. He gave me his business card and left and then it happened.

 

My AP said to me in the cafeteria "Why is that you were just letting him know that his child is failing"? He expressed to me that you had not given the students a test. You haven’t graded their homework, how does that look?…Blah, Blah, Blah…..and I am standing their look like WTF? You just gave me access to my grade book on Tuesday and I have stayed here at the school until seven o’clock every night since taking away from my own children. I guess that means nothing right? Although none of those allegations are true, I was out done at the fact that she did not inform me of his allegations before I walked into the meeting. It was a shytti situation.

 

At any rate the reason I titled this entry Preoccupied is that I have noticed throughout all of my years of teaching that the schools on the south side of most counties in Georgia are preoccupied with the wrong things. We spend much time on "Tuck your shirt in and pull your pants up", No talking in the halls, Take your earrings out, Make sure you cover up your tattoos. Well….. all of that is great but on the north end they are overly concerned with education and their children passing the state criterion referenced test. It’s sad but the reality is that no matter how hard we work as a teacher to prepare students and to help them to be productive members of society their is always a smokescreen that covers up the real issues….The issue of gaining knowledge and projecting good character. My school is wrapped in pretty paper. I mean if it were a gift under the Christmas tree I would pick it if I did not know what was in the box. Nevertheless, the reality is that the box is full, but is overly full of cheap gifts that are of little to no quality that can easily be broken if enough pressure is applied.

I have been struggling trying to figure out if there is really a shortage of single men in Atlanta or is it just a shortage in me as a women that causes single, availabe, successful men not to graviatate towards me. I have questioned the way that I look, my personality, my inner being and I am currently working on the me within. I must admit that it is a lonely journey and I am a work in progress. 

It is quite discouraging to watch the gay and down low population grow like wild flowers. WTF? I don’t know if I notice the gays because I would like to be in a relationship or if it is that there are so many of them you just can’t miss them. I can remember about a year and a half ago going to the mountains with a group of friends gay and straight. I must admit that before that time I did not really understand the make up of homosexual relationships. One of my high school friends that was close to me during high school and early college was the event planner and host. He planned a grand event that was remarkable. In retrospect, I think that I was hoodwinked. Little did I know that I was in for a weekend full of unexpected surprises. Surprise number 1….I didn’t know that there were going to be so many gays together in one room….Surprise number 2….I was able to see with my own eyes that my friend the host is just as gay as the day is long….I mean no turning back. Surprise #3…..the gay friend and I used to switch cars early college and one of his gay friends described my car. Ok..I could not help but to think….LAWD have mercy…What in the devil were they doing in my car? Anyhow, back to the mountain trip…. during that time in the mountains, the gay dudes were talking to Beloved and I, about how to keep a man, how to suck a dick, how to dance for your man, and a host of other things. HOLD IT!!! is what I said; but as I reflect on the comments, everything they emphazised made much sense. I’m trippin because as I sat down over the weekend and reminenced about the event with Beloved, I now have an understanding homolove…as Beloved calls it. I mean they go over and beyond the call of duty for their men. Not that I don’t do that for men that I am involved with, but it’s just a little different hearing that coming from men. These jokers were in the hot tub together feeding each other fresh fruit playing truth or dare. It was wild. Nevertheless, it brings me back to my point of why is it that I can attract a good man? What is wrong with me? My gay friend is now a player. He brought a homothug to an event. I had nothing….I was done. Dude was tated up and down. He even had tat’s on his neck!!!If he can get a man that easily why the hell can’t I? I am a fuckin’ woman. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t want a bisexual man. I would like someone that likes yssup exclusively. I don’t know, like I said, I can’t help but wonder if there is a shortage of men or is there a severe shortage in me?

I am really feeling my new job. I like it here. I feel like a new person. My children are doing well and I only have one paper left to have completed one full year of schooling towards my Doctoral degree. I finally feel as if I am making some progress in my life. If it were not for me stepping out on faith I probably would not have left my old environment (my job) and I would have again experienced misery for another 190 days…..which is an entire school year. I am grateful for this experience. I have realized that there are some folk out there that do have goals and ambitions. I must admit that I realize that I was so overly exposed to negativity that I had developed a negative perspective on life….on black folk…my people. I was so fucked up until I felt as if the niggamentaliy was the norm for black kids…I was sadden, depressed and sick…..and I mean literally sick at the slothful, unconcerned, complacent, feeling as if the world owes them something, students that I had been dealing with for the last four years. I had lost my drive and ambition for teaching. I had began to look at myself as a glorified babysitter. Well, needless to say I felt as if I were going to have a headache I was going to have one around the corner from my house…and that was my attitude, so I began to work at a school that is about 11 miles from my house as opposed to 40.  I started the school year expecting things to be very similar to my old situation. To my surprise, it is not. I know that it is only the third going into the fourth day of school, but I have noticed that the  vibe of the school is awesome. The students may not be the brightest porch lights on the block but the difference in this group and my past groups is that these students want to learn…they want to be helped. They listen; they understand the power of knowledge as well as following rules. Don’t get me wrong. I love all of my past students but this new group has really helped me to regain the zeal that I once had for teaching.  

 

I believe that GOD has prepared me the entire summer for this experience. I feel like he placed certain people in my path to nurture the seed of positiviity that is sprouting in and around me. I am grateful.

 

 

I start work today. I have a new attitude!! A new hair color…that looks fabulous if I may say so myself. My stylist really put her foot in my color and my style. This school year will be great for me… I am confessing that. To all that read this post peace and blessings upon you and have a wonderful Monday. Believe me……when I get off today I will be posting about my new experience(s).

It’s always interesting how men with big dcks think that they are the shit (I can’t speak for anyone elses experiences but mine). As of late I have been working towards getting back with my ex. I have been trying to convince myself that this is the right thing to do being as though his average salary is $6500 per week and I am truly struggling. He expressed to me that he wants to work things out and my response was "bet". Well, we have been spending time together but I just ain’t feelin it. I am trying to.. I can tell that he genuinely wants to make it work but I can’t help but to question "what makes me good enough this time". The history in all of this is that he broke up with me about two years ago. We never lost contact, in fact we talked regularly and I respected the fact that he only wanted to be my friend….and I honored his request. Now that two years have passed he all of a sudden wants to work things out. It will be to my benefit financially that I take him up on his offer, but I can’t help but to long for something that he is not giving me. I need a friend, a cofidant, a lover, a mental stimulator, a soul mate. I am not saying that I am not attracted to him..that’s not it….something is just missing. Any how, back to big dcks…. He feels that because he has a big dick that just should be satifiying enough…In fact he last’s for about 3 and a half minutes which is just a little over two minutes. I have been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt for years when it comes to sex. I even found him a doctor and told him all that he needs is a piece of viagra..not even a whole one. At any rate after sex the other night…. of course once again I was pissed off but tried to be nice about it by saying "I know that you did not cum. His response to me was that he did and I said, OH H*LL NAW!!!! You gonna have to do something you just ain’t gonna leave me like this. He responded that this dick was feeling enough and I was just being greedy. WTF???

 

Although Virgo was full of shyt, he did provide me with a feeling of bliss and he lasted for more that two minutes. Too bad everything between us was a lie.

 

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WORK

 

I’m back at work. I started at a new school on last Monday. I have met some cool people. However, I am experiencing a little fear about the job. Things are so different…I really mean that in a good way. I am praying that I do well this year, which will in turn be beneficial to the students. The principal is cool. I have never worked in a school where the principal treats teachers as professionals. That’s how it seems to be in this place. That is a good thing. I am just overwhelmed and praying that I make a positive deposit in the lives of the students that I will come in contact with.

 

 

Its funny how one incident will make you face issues that you really don’t deem as important. On last Saturday night I had the opportunity to spend some time with two of my closest friends. It was our intention to celebrate the divorce of my friend E. We had a great time….but before the fun began I had some some serious issues to face.

 As E and I pulled up,  I looked in the window of Beloved’s house and noticed this huge dog. OMG!!! is what I thought. E proceeded to get out of the car and goes into the house. I was stuck! Why? Because I am afraid of dogs!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I knew I was afraid of dogs but thought that I could just shake it when we arrived…As I proceeded to look into the window, I started to think back to what happened to make me afraid of dogs….which dates back to the age of 6.

There was this huge dog running wild in my old neighborhood. I was walking out of the house to the bus stop early one morning when all of a sudden this huge black dog began to chase me. The faster I ran the closer he seemed to get to me. My mom was standing in the door screaming "STOP RUNNING AND PICK UP THAT COAT" the dog nipped me. From that day forward I have not been very fawn of dogs. In fact I have been petrified of dogs. As I continued to look in the window I felt as if I were going to faint because Beloved’s dog looked just like the dog that chased me at 6. Beloved realized that I had not come into the house. She then walked outside and took my hand after about 15 minutes of discussion. We walked in the house. I felt that same fear arise that I experienced at 6. As Kedar sniffed me I gripped Beloved’s arm. I tried to stay away from him but I guess he sensed my fear and sniffed me for longer than I anticipated.  As the night progressed I felt more comfortable with Kedar. I began to feel less fear.  I guess Beloved, E, and Kedar, took me through the "Fear Factor Process". Although I have not gotten over my fear of dogs completely, I have made some serious progress.

About a year ago one of my students came to live with me. It started off as an agreement that she would only be here with me for about two weeks. Well of course you know two weeks turned into two months and two months has now turned into eighteen months. I have excepted the fact that she will be with me permentantly. That is not problem. The problem is her trifling ass mother. This bitch is dead ass wrong. She takes being a low life to another level. Now mind you, the whole time my student daughter has been with me her mother has not offered a dime of any type to help and she was getting food stamps. She has even gone so far as to say that she had not talked to the father since my student daughter was two years old. She of course lied.

During the school year I had to go to DFACS and fill out papers for my student daughter to get Medicaid and TANAF (and boy was that an experience). Just to interject….. the shit on the walls in there is so degrading. NEWAY,  as I went in to talk to the caseworker, I was informed that my student daughter was not eligible for any services because her mother had just renewed her food stamps in another county in Georgia. She lied and said she had custody of all of her kids. SHIT!!! I was in a bind. I could not add her to my insurance because it was not open enrollment. so what did I do? I did what any black woman would do. I fought (not physically). By the grace of God that issue was resolved. They awarded her services. It was so funny I often found myself trying to figure out why her TANF money was slowly decreasing. She started off getting $155 and as of recent she receives $67.

I had been getting papers from the child support office to fill out on her mom. I never filled them out. That was something that I always put off until one day my student daughter went to her grandmother’s house and found out that her father was paying child support for her to her mom. Well, I found the papers that were mailed and called the child support office to see what was going on. The good thing is that my student daughter had sense enough to get the case number. She was angry and so was I. On last Monday I went and visited the child support office and found that the mother still had herself listed as the custodial parent even though she signed over gaurdianship to me and relinquished all of her parental rights….Now the lies are on the table….I can’t imagine how my student daughter felt when I told her that her father pays child support and her mother has been getting a $597 check per month…not to mention that she had been getting it since she turned 2 years old.

The entire situation is a fucked up scandoulous ass mess. How can you put your wants and needs over those of your kids?